FIVE EMOTIONAL STAGES OF INCARCERATION:

Prisoners, much like people who learn they are going
to die soon, go through five emotional stages: denial,
anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally,
acceptance. Where they are in this process can help
explain their behavior.

Stage I:
Denial Denial begins when a person enters
prison. It generally lasts between one and three years
for those sentenced to more than ten years. Some
short-termers are in a state of denial for their
entire sentence.

Those in the denial stage find it hard to believe
they're really in prison. They focus on getting
released. They tend to blame their situation on
somebody else. Some prisoners work through denial
gradually. Others leave this stage abruptly when faced
with a crisis.

Stage II:
Anger When they can no longer deny the
situation, prisoners often become angry with everyone.
Some prisoners join prison gangs during the anger
stage. Some learn to play a game called "being
sneaky," in which they gain slight control over their
lives by pretending to do what the guards want.

Stage III:
Bargaining Since no one answered their
angry demands, prisoners may resort to asking nicely
for what they want. Prisoners attempt to make deals
with other people. They promise they will mend their
ways in exchange for the favor they seek.

Stage IV:
Depression When it becomes clear that
neither anger nor bargaining is working, depression
descends. One prisoner reports, "When it hit me that I
was really in prison, and I was going to be there for
a long time, I was pretty depressed. I wanted to sleep
all the time. I wanted to escape my pain."

At this stage prisoners begin to face the consequences
of their past actions and the current situation. They
grieve the loss of freedom and the pain of separation
from loved ones. Incarcerated mothers are devastated
when they realize they won't be with their children
for many years. Depressed prisoners typically withdraw
from family and friends.

Stage V:
Acceptance Ultimately prisoners accept the
fact that they are in prison for the long haul. This
makes some prisoners emotionally numb to everything
and everyone. Others go through a period of genuine
soul-searching. They begin to accept responsibility
for their situation. Many show a sincere desire to
change their lives.

Painful problems, like a family crisis or a move to a
new facility, can trigger a return to earlier
feelings. Prisoners must then work through the
emotional stages of incarceration again so they don't
remain in denial, anger, or depression.

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF
Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Denial
Denial is generally the first stage in the grief
process. It can be experienced as numbness or
avoidance or isolation or direct denial. It is a stage
in which we just cannot believe that the loss is true.
We may tell ourselves that it did not really happen.
It does not seem real.

Anger
Another stage of grief is anger. At this point, we
have gotten past some or all of the denial, but now we
are angry about the loss. We may want to take it out
on something or someone, or we may just express our
anger in ways that are familiar to us.

Bargaining
In the bargaining stage, we are trying to come up with
ways to get back what we lost or just find someone or
something to blame. Common thoughts include "If only I
had just?." or "I wish we could have?." or "Maybe
if I do this?." In the case of a lost relationship, we
might actually bargain with the person we lost in an
effort to get them back. "If I change my behavior,
will you come back?"

Depression
The depression stage is just as it sounds, a time of
sadness. It generally follows denial, anger, and
bargaining when we feel helpless and
hopeless to stop the loss. It may include crying,
withdrawal, or any other way that expresses sadness.

Acceptance
The final stage is acceptance.
Most often we have gone
through all of the above stages
and in many cases
cycled through the above stages
more than once before
getting to acceptance.
At this stage,
we have
(to some extent)
reorganized ourselves
and our thinking to
incorporate the loss.
This does not mean that we no
longer get sad about the
loss from time to time, but
the sadness is now a part of
us and does not keep us
from functioning normally
most of the time.
Over time,
the intensity of the
sadness generally diminishes,
but may never entirely go away.

Armed with the knowledge
of these five stages,
we can now better understand
ourselves and others who are
going through the grief process.
Recognizing the stages can increase
your empathy and support for others and
provide permission for yourself to go
through the process in your own
way and in your own time.

©2000 Lori Godin,
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
She can be reached in
San Jose, California,
at 408.260.9996 or
E-mail her at lgodin@pacbell.net

A "Wife's perspective"
THE FORGOTTEN VICTIM
Guilty by Association
By: Esa Medrano

It doesn't matter if you didn't do the crime
Stand by your man and you're going to do the time

He's judged and off to prison he goes
You're judged by just about anyone who knows

You can be harassed and the police say run
When you do, they will have won
If you stay there's the underlying fear
That they're close by and hovering near

Police reports don't matter-they don't care
You tell them the truth and they don't hear

They judge him and they judge you too
Over the years this has been proven true

So I am thinking about going away
to start all over again
For my peace of mind,
but not for them

Too tired of the sadness,
loneliness and pain
To some quiet place where
I can walk in the rain
and not scared,
having to watch my back
not having to wait for
the next subtle attack

I look back and remember
the last ten years
always in hiding,
always the tears

I remember in court when
they spit in my face
the death threats at church
- my hiding place
the bullets in my windshield
on Valentines day
Didn't feel safe so I ran away

Now they found me because of my cat
Brought him to the vet and as I sat
the women behind the desk continued to stare.
One came over and said
"You're not welcome here.

The doctor knows what your husband did
so get the hell out"
I was stunned and I wanted to shout
"I didn't do anything-why can't you see?
Why do you see my husband
when you see me?"

It's all right because
I don't regret
for one single day
that by my husband's side
I decided to stay
I have the Lord to protect me
and watch my back
no longer a need to fear
the next attack

He calls me to pray
for those who want to hurt me
He will show me the way
and what I need to see
I don't need society's approval
- it will never come
only my Lord's,
which comes from above

A Forgotten victim
I could not and never will be
because my Lord watches
over my husband and me.